Breakups Suck!
So, you're going through a breakup, thinking about one, or have had one in the past. Whether you're the one initiating it or the one being broken up with, it just plain sucks! There's a scientific reason behind this—at the level of your neurochemistry, breakups can be incredibly painful. Unfortunately, there's no avoiding it.
Autonomic State
Let's start with what happens in your brain. During a breakup, your brain activity changes and increases in certain areas because, evolutionarily, humans are hard-wired to seek connection and partnerships for survival. While we may not need these bonds for survival in modern times, this evolutionary feature still drives our emotions, compelling us to find reasons to cling to the connection.
This explains why, whether you're the one leaving, the one being left, or whether you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, breakups hurt. Our need for connection is universal, though the intensity varies. After a week, two weeks, or even a month, it’s common to feel the urge to reconnect with your ex—that's your brain seeking to fulfill its evolutionary drive.
Distraction
The most common advice after a breakup is to distract yourself. However, this can be challenging since your brain will naturally return to thoughts of the relationship. What people really mean by "distract yourself" is to engage in activities that take 60–80% of your focus away from your ex. If you can manage more, fantastic! But don’t beat yourself up if thoughts of them persist—this is entirely normal. Here are some healthy distractions that might help:
- Read a book: Non-fiction can be particularly helpful if you’re looking to improve yourself during this time.
- Watch movies: A classic option, though be mindful of what you watch—some movies may backfire emotionally.
- Go for long walks: Explore lakes, hills, forests, or any scenic area to keep yourself engaged.
- Spend time with friends: Focus on their lives as a way to shift your perspective, rather than using them as therapists.
- Learn a new hobby: Whether it’s art, programming, skateboarding, or something else, this is a great time to try something you’ve always wanted to explore.
No Contact
The No-Contact Rule is essential and serves two purposes:
1. Getting Back Together
- Taking time apart after a breakup allows you to process your emotions, organize your thoughts, and gain clarity about the relationship. This reflection helps you grow, become more secure in your attachment style, and assess what you truly want for the future.
- If reconciliation is what you seek, giving your ex space also gives them time to process and reflect. Repeatedly reaching out, however, can reinforce negative feelings and show a lack of respect for their need for space.
- After a sufficient no-contact period, consider sending a brief message expressing your willingness to talk. If both of you have grown and believe the relationship was better than initially thought, there might be a chance to start fresh—building something new from the ground up. This process begins with NO CONTACT.
2. Moving On
- If, after reflection, you decide it’s best to move on, no contact becomes crucial for reducing the emotional triggers that keep pulling you back. Once closure is reached and it's clear the relationship is over, it's time to cut ties.
- This includes archiving photos, removing them from your social media, and ceasing communication. While this may feel daunting initially, it helps minimize triggers that bring up painful memories.
- Continuing to talk after deciding to move on only prolongs the pain. Attraction may still linger, but revisiting the relationship will likely hurt both parties.
The 3-Steps-Forward, 2-Steps-Back Flow of Breakups
Breakups are anything but linear. One day, you’ll feel confident, attractive, and ready to meet someone new. The next, you’ll find yourself on the couch with a bucket of ice cream, mourning your loss. Two days later, you might be so immersed in work that the idea of dating feels unappealing.
The point is, recovery is not a straight path. Ups and downs are normal, and setbacks are still progress. Don’t feel guilty for having good days or worry when bad days come back around. Just keep moving forward, one step at a time.
Book List
We’ve touched on several key topics here—no contact, attachment styles, reconciliation, and more. If you’d like to dive deeper, here are some highly rated books that explore these concepts:
Conclusion
Breakups are tough, and it’s okay to feel a wide range of emotions. The key is to observe these feelings without acting on them—especially if it means returning to an unhealthy relationship or engaging in harmful habits like excessive drinking or other forms of unhealthy coping.
If you need additional support, consider reaching out to a trained therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist. These professionals can provide valuable guidance during challenging transitions like this.
Stay healthy, keep growing, and when you’re ready, re-enter the dating world with confidence. A better-aligned partner could be just around the corner.
