The Problem

Online dating has revolutionized the way we meet "hot new singles in our area." We've traded in the world of public encounters at local bars or coffee shops. Instead, we've entered a world of curated profiles and private communications, offering a seemingly safe and controlled space for initial connections. However, this very convenience can breed a troubling side effect: a sense of entitlement.

The problem isn't simply a lack of manners. While online dating can attract rude or impatient individuals, a more concerning trend emerges: a belief that a match on a dating app translates to something more—an obligation, even. This entitlement can manifest in its lowest form as brief comments or a shorter temper and, at worst, as abusive comments, threats, and verbal harassment.

So, why does this happen? Let's delve deeper and explore the factors contributing to this phenomenon. Maybe you'll learn a bit more about yourself and how to help yourself in online dating or get a better understanding of any encounters you may have had in the past.

The Build-Up of Anticipation

Dating apps all have some mechanism to get us in front of people, most of which involves some form of mutual "liking." What this can do is have us spending a large amount of time sifting through the hordes of potential dates, encountering potential matches we aren't interested in or matches we are definitely interested in but who don't reciprocate. Depending on the quality of your account and your account activity, this can lead to a long while between matches.

So, when we do find a match, and not just any old match, but one with someone we genuinely find attractive, funny, interesting, and who maybe shares a number of hobbies with us, we tend to build this up in our minds for all that it "could" be.

The Fall

But this sense of anticipation, dopamine reward, and excitement sets us up for a fall when we send that well-crafted first message (or not-so-well-crafted "Hey, how are you?") and we receive no reply!!

This is where all the other emotions come in, and this can range depending on the person. Some may assume the user has left and isn't active anymore. Others may believe that they went through accounts too quickly and must have changed their minds. Or, at worst, we may take it as a personal attack that, upon closer inspection, we are a worse date than we thought initially and that we must be unworthy of them. Pairing this with ideas that they have to message us because they are the ones who made the choice to match and that they owe us at least a message can be dangerous.

Overall, none of us feel good about getting a match with someone we are genuinely excited to meet, only for nothing more to happen. How we deal with it is what sets the great daters apart from the poor.

The Decision

So now they haven't replied, or have, but ghosted you almost immediately. There are two main schools of thought from here: win them back or set them free.

Set Them Free

Being the better response, this comes from a place of abundance and understanding that maybe there are more out there. This isn't the one perfect match, because communication never started, and that wouldn't happen with our perfect match. They'd be dying to meet us! So instead, we set them free and recast our line to find another catch.

Win Them Back

Those in this camp believe that the conversation isn't really done. That with the perfectly crafted message, a witty reply, or maybe proof of their strength and defiance, they will be able to win back this one over and spark a conversation on new grounds that they aren't how they first appeared but instead a big-time winner for the potential date. And maybe, just maybe, it could work. We've seen a number of conversations that have been recovered from a hail-mary. But be warned! Not every message and reply is a good one. This is especially true when it comes from a sense of entitlement. When you are sending this message because they interacted with you, and you feel they owe you now. With this attitude, we can assure you'll almost never win them over.

The Gone Too Far

Now we arrive at the final step, the last decision, where many are still unable to separate the emotions from the decisions. In this journey of losing what could have been, we've decided that not only are we not willing to accept the situation, that we think we're capable of getting it back, but that maybe if we can get a response, any response, that is the starter, the key to get things going, and what better way to do that than to make this emotional.

THIS is where so many often go so wrong. If you find yourself at this point, thinking about how to force a reply by making it personal, this is where we say take two steps back and take the advice of abundance and set them free. Believe that there are more people out there, and that you will be able to find someone more. Because sending that next message most likely won't get the reaction you are thinking of.

By sending something snarky, short-tempered, or at worst, abusive, while potentially achieving the goal of getting a reaction, it will most likely end with you getting blocked, banned, or in trouble with authorities—most of the time still with no reply. And even if you do get a reply, it will be near impossible to bring it back from this point. You've put the nail in the coffin that this date will never work and left the beauty of what could have been a missed connection dead and gone.

The Coping Mechanism

Dating can be hard! We all tend to go in with high hopes and with the end goal in mind, the potential payoff being really high. So, of course, when it doesn't turn out, we need more mechanisms to cope! Here are a few things you can do to move on and find better success in the future:

• Realize there are more people. This isn't the end of all your chances; have a mindset of abundance.
• Distract yourself. If you find yourself really getting into overthinking, find an activity that provides a bit of "productive" dopamine to distract you while you are waiting for the emotions to follow their course, give that a try.
• Connection. We've found that interpersonal communication and connection is the best thing to help with break-ups, letdowns, ghosting, and other negative social implications, as they help to reinforce that you are not alone, that this wasn't an error but instead you yourself can continue to redefine yourself and keep searching for the next person to get to know.

So in conclusion, you may find users online, or you yourself may find yourself in a way not consistent with what you expect from yourself or others, and now you may have a small piece of the puzzle as to why. Hopefully some insight and the brief tips mentioned can be a real help towards your dating journey mindfulness and assist with what can be a really difficult journey until you find the one!

If you or someone else is having any trouble with mental health issues and concerns in online dating, please seek professional advice to get assistance.