The Rare Talent of Active Listening in Dating & Relationships
Listening is Sexy
In today’s world, people seem less interested in diving into the lives of those around them and more focused on sharing their own experiences for validation or out of habit. TikTok lets you speak without interruptions; Instagram gives instant likes. All of this rewards output, not listening.
Thanks to this we tend to be bad at learning how to ask provoking questions, listen and then provide connection and relation when required.
What is Active Listening?
Active listening is the art of not just hearing words but understanding the emotions and reasons behind them—a superpower on first dates.
For instance: When someone tells you that their dog has been tearing up their sofa recently, there are two directions you can take this
- You listen to the statement, picture the scenario and think nothing more of it and say something like "Ah dogs are really bad sometimes"
- You listen to the emotion of the statement and probe deeper before resonating, typically by saying something like "Sounds like training him has you stressed?" followed by a response and a relation if applicable -> "My dog used to do that but we got this really cool chew toy, would you try that? "
The difference here between the two is 1. shows you simply heard the general sentence, with no understanding of their thoughts and feelings, 2. shows you are listening to why they mentioned it, it makes them frustrated and stressed, you could relate and now you've offered help if they want it or if they don't they've had a chance to at least share while feeling understood.
The Analogy
A great analogy by Leil Lowndes is to imagine that there is a big spotlight shining on you whenever you are talking about yourself. It's fine to have the spotlight, but you should try to have it shining more on the other person! By imagining this you can see just how much you are really learning the about the other person rather than just sharing what you think all the time.
The Reversal
Don’t keep the spotlight fixed on them forever. If they show interest in you, share openly. If you keep drilling them with questions, it starts to feel like an interview. You want to shine the spotlight but it should always be moving. If you have a chance to share more about yourself, and relate to a scenario, take it! Just make sure once you've explained you go back to learning more about them.
The win
The overall win here is that you'll come away in their minds as a genuine and caring person, but more importantly you'll leave the conversation having learnt the most! Whether you're on a first date and you now know a lot about them, or it's a steady relationship and you've just learnt how they feel and are reacting to a scenario or problem, you'll truly understand the situation.
Conclusion
Active listening breaks through the superficiality of modern dating. By truly hearing not just what someone says but why they’re saying it, you’ll come across as genuine, confident, and memorable. Try it on your next date and see how the connection changes. It's a small step away from the world of today where we're always trying to show how great we are to everyone.
Ready to practice? On your next Hookd date, focus on why someone is sharing something with you—not just what they’re saying. Shift the spotlight, listen deeply, and watch how quickly the connection feels authentic.
